Whose Turn is it Anyway?
by Enlightened Beaner
Summary: Something I came up with in my spare time. It's somewhat similar to a tv show I can't remember the name of.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own MtG or related titles and characters. Any resemblance to another fic (or television how) is mostly purely coincidental. Additionally, all characters are presumed to be man-sized unless otherwise noted. This fic was not written in front of a live audience, that way I wouldn't have to type audience applauds every 3 lines.

**Whose Turn is it Anyway?**

"Hi, I'm Eladamri and welcome to the first ever episode of 'Whose Turn is it Anyway?' I'm your host, and now to introduce tonight's contestants! If I only had a brain, Soulless One! Don't rage, rebel! It's Liin Sivvi! Can't touch this, Dralnu! And last, and most certainly least, the Blunder from Down Under, Chimney Imp!" 

"Ey! Screw you, hippy!" Chimney Imp yells.

"If you've never read this fic before, the rules are simple: these four characters are going to improvise several games for your enjoyment, with musical assistance by our very own Elvish Lyrist. After each game, I award them points. The points don't mean anything, it's just something to tie the show together. That's right, the points are like an 8/8 non-trampler versus an army of insects …they just don't matter. Our first game of the night is called 'Weird Newscasters.' This game is for all four of you. Liin Sivvi, you are the anchor of a news program. Soulless One, you are her co-anchor and you are slowly losing your limbs. Dralnu, you're in charge of sports, and you're trying to avoid several Lightning Bolts coming your way. And Chimney Imp is the weatherman, and you are trying to sell your pictures of Serra Angel nude. Whenever you're ready, you may begin." Elvish Lyrist plays some music.

"Welcome to the twelve 'o' clock news, I'm your anchor Thelma Enlouise," Liin begins. "Tonight's top story: local Viridian Zealot succeeded in destroying not one, but _two_ artifacts before paying a visit to the graveyard. His controller was very proud, saying he had been working on that combo for years. Now I'll hand it off to my co-anchor, Nod Alldere, Nod?"

"Unnnh…" Soulless One moans. His left arm falls off. "Unnhh!" His right arm falls off. "Arrghhhnn…" Both of his legs fall off, leaving his body nothing more than a torso.

"Surely you'll pull yourself together…" Liin hopes. "On to sports, with Revived Atbirth, Revived?"

"Thank you Thelma," Dralnu begins. "In sports today, an interesting Goblin Game was rudely interrupted when a Talruum Minotaur stampeded onto the field, killing both goblins. And YOW!" Dralnu jumps up, clutching his butt. "Watch it up there, would ya!" He dodges another Bolt. "Can't you target someone else?" He starts running offstage. "Why aren't you playing bluuuuuue?" He disappears offstage.

"I lose more sports casters that way," Liin complains. "So how's the weather going, Sucks Manynuts?"

"Weather's good, real good. But you know what else is really good?" Chimney Imp inquires. "One hundred percent authentic genuine Serra Angel nudes! That's right, she's hot, she's holy, she's naughty and completely nude!" Out of nowhere, liturgical music begins to play, and a Bolt hits Chimney Imp. His entire body is charred black, and he blinks a few times. "Ow…"

"Who _didn't_ see that coming?" Liin laughs. "That's all we have time for tonight, join us next time on the 12:05 news." Elvish Lyrist plays some ending music while Soulless One pulls himself together.

"Twenty points - of damage - to each of you! Hehe, it's good to be the king," Eladamri says. "Alright, our next game is called 'World's Worst Dating Service,' for all four of you. Dralnu and Imp, here are your hats, Liin and Soulless One, here are yours. Now the idea is to come up with as many different examples of the world's worst dating video. And…go!"

Dralnu wearing a mask of Slobad: "I'm looking to sacrifice myself for a hot elf."

Liin Sivvi wearing a ski mask: "It's your money or your life points."

Chimney Imp, still with charred flesh: I want someone with a shocking personality."

Soulless One with a monocle: "Unngh someone for jolly good time uhnn."

Dralnu wearing Mickey Mouse ears: "Hope you don't care about copyright infringement!"

Liin Sivvi with a gladiator's helmet: "Well, when in Rome…"

Chimney Imp with an ice pack on his head: "I've got nothing, the ice just feels really good."

Soulless One with neck bolts a la Frankenstein: "Unnnghhh!"

Dralnu wearing a Kavu mask: "Looking for someone to share crunchy Phyrexians with."

Liin Sivvi with a turban: "Praise Gaeaaaaa! (mocks blowing self up)"

Chimney Imp wearing a Chimney Imp mask: "I'd like to fly up your chimney."

Soulless One, rubbing his head: "Need Rogaine…"

"1000 points to Liin Sivvi for the Arab joke!" Eladamri says. "And now for the last game of the night. With the help of Elvish Lyrist, the contestants are going to sing a ho down for your listening pleasure! And tonight's topic is…(opens an envelope) the Rathi Overlay! So, here goes the Rathi Overlay ho down!" Elvish Lyrist plays the ho down music.

Liin Sivvi starts, "I was there when they first came, they came through a great big door. First came a few, and then there were more and more and more. Our armies were in a rut, but thanks to me, we ended up kicking their butt!"

Soulless One continues, "Uu-u-un…u-u-urrrm…a-aa-a-aargh…uhhhhnnn!"

Chimney Imp adds, "I never liked the Phyrexians, or even all those Rathi. Whenever I got too close to one, I thought he could really use a…bathey. I started hiding, and eventually, the war was all but won thanks to me!"

Dralnu concludes, "Yawgmoth used the power of the undead. When he enlisted soldiers, he'd just dig up some graves. He never would have used my men, I am sure you see, because they only answer to meee!"

"Only answer to meeeeee!" everyone finishes.

"That's our show tonight, hope you enjoyed it. We'll see you next time!" Eladamri concludes the show.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own MtG or related titles and characters.

**Whose Turn is it Anyway?**

"Hello and welcome to another edition of Whose Turn is it Anyway!" Eladamri begins. "We've got a great fic lined up for you tonight, with stars such as: I can't believe it's not dead, Squee! Don't even think about it, it's Patron Wizard! Alleluia, Serra Angel! And still recovering from wounds since the last fic, Chimney Imp!"

"I better be getting overtime for this," Chimney Imp complains.

"If you've never read the fic before, these four dunderheads are going to try making up some funny stuff for you to laugh and point fingers at. At the end of each attempt, I'll award them points. The points don't really matter, it's just another attempt at being funny. That's right, the points are just like Worship in a deck without any creature production…they just don't matter." Eladamri continues. "The first game we're going to play tonight is called Super Heroes. We'll begin the game with Patron Wizard as a super hero who must respond to a crisis with the aid of his super hero friends. Since this isn't in front of a live audience, we've already selected the crisis and Patron's super hero name prior to the fic."

"Please don't let it be something stupid," Patron Wizard hopes. Eladamri opens an envelope and pulls out a card.

"Okay, the crisis is that there is no more mana in the world, and only you," Eladamri starts, but laughs. "Captain Constipation can save the day." Eladamri falls over laughing. "HAHAHAHA…whenever, HAHA you're…ready…heehee, whoo." Patron Wizard just glares at him.

"Urza's ghost! According to the crisis monitor conveniently placed in front of me, there's no more mana in the world! I hope my super friends get here fast!" Patron Wizard starts off, then winces. "I really gotta get this taken care of, but I really need to go!" Serra Angel hops onto the scene. Patron Wizard starts again, "Thank Karn you're here, Conclave Zealot Girl!"

"It's part of my duty! Speaking of which, have you ever considered switching your allegiance to the Conclave? If we could get enough supporters we could end the world of suffering in all its forms! Omigosh the world's mana supply is gone?" Serra Angel says. "We can't do this by ourselves, we'll need the help of our friends!" Squee comes onto the stage. "You made it, Mr. Knowitall!"

"I would've been here sooner, but Urza needed some help in some calculations." Squee begins, adjusting invisible glasses on himself. "How will we ever get the world's mana supply back?"

Patron Wizard, still wincing and now holding his butt, says, "I don't know…now where did I leave my medication?"

"In the Conclave, there is no sickness or need for medication…" Serra Angel suggests. Chimney Imp arrives on the scene.

"It's about time you made it," Squee exclaims. "We really need your help, King of Sucking!" Chimney Imp stares balefully at Squee for a moment, then pretends to suck on Squee's head.

"It's a good thing I'm not a brain sucker, else I'd die of starvation!" Chimney Imp mocks. "I've got an idea," he starts sucking on Patron Wizard's arm, then releases, "but I must leave you to enact it!" Chimney Imp leaves.

"I will assist him, after all, I do know everything." Squee says, fixes his invisible spectacles, and follows Chimney Imp.

"Even if the crisis has yet to be averted, I must be off to convert more people to the greatness of the Conclave! Toodles!" Serra Angel also leaves.

"Well, it seems the crisis has been averted now, one way or another. Now I can cast a spell to help with my 'problem.'" Patron Wizard also leaves. Eladamri laughs for another few moments, then wipes his eye.

"Hoo…a thousand points to Captain Constipation!" Eladamri concludes the game. "That was fun. Our next game is my personal favorite, Scenes from a Hat! We got a bunch of suggestions people would like to see here in this hat, and our performers have to act each one that I pick out. The first topic is: Things you probably shouldn't say to Urza."

Squee: "So…how 'bout that war you started?"

Patron Wizard: "Would you tell your wife I left the money on the dresser? Thanks."

Serra Angel: "Is that Mishra behind you?"

Eladamri presses the buzzer and says, "The next scene is: How the Whose Turn characters spend their breaks."

Chimney Imp, pretending to type: "I do not suck monkey balls, and I wish you would stop saying I do! Send…to fic writer."

Squee, talking as he acts it out: "Head comes off, head goes back on. Head comes off…"

Patron Wizard, in a thinking pose: "I wonder if there was a way to make hundreds of copies of me…yes…then I would be _unstoppable!_ Hehe…"

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "Next topic: Things you wish your controller would say to you."

Squee: "This turn, I _won't _sacrifice you to something."

Chimney Imp: "Well lookee here! I found a use for you!" Everyone laughs.

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "Next topic is…Creatures you wouldn't want to get stuck on an elevator with."

Squee holds Chimney Imp's arm and motions toward him with his other hand.

Patron Wizard, pretending to be smothered by something big: "Um…Mr. BFM…"

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "That will be all for that game for tonight. Fifteen points to each of you for mediocre performances. Our next game is called 'Restricted Lines.' It's a fun game where we have three of our characters act out a scene, but two of them only have two lines they can ever say during the scene. This game is for everyone but Serra Angel. Chimney Imp, your only two lines are 'That can't be healthy' and 'I wish I was dead.' Squee, your lines are 'I've got to disagree' and 'Can I touch it?'. Patron Wizard, you are a controller discussing battle tactics with two of your footmen, when an Autochthon Worm is seen heading towards your side of the battlefield. And…go!"

"Okay, men, as you both can see, there is a really big worm heading our way," Patron Wizard starts.

"That can't be healthy…" Chimney Imp replies.

"It's not. Now…" Patron Wizard continues, but Squee interrupts.

"Can I touch it?" Squee asks.

"Of course you can't touch it! It'll eat you alive!" Patron Wizard scolds.

"That can't be healthy," Chimney Imp adds.

"Now, I think our best chance is to counterattack from the rear…" Patron Wizard begins.

"I've got to disagree." Squee says.

"I don't care if you disagree! I'm the controller here, not you!" Patron Wizard replies.

"That can't be healthy." Chimney Imp says.

"It's healthy enough! Now listen here…" Patron Wizard yells.

"I wish I was dead," Chimney Imp notes.

"Keep wishing, and it might come true!" Patron Wizard shouts.

"I've got to disagree," Squee adds.

"You just might be dead too if you don't stop disagreeing with me!" Patron Wizard scolds.

"That can't be healthy." Chimney Imp chimes in.

"No! Death is not healthy to you, but it'd be very cleansing for me right now! Now this worm is about three feet in front of us…" Patron Wizard's eyes open wide in fear.

"I wish I was dead…" Chimney Imp says with a trembling voice.

Eladamri presses the buzzer several times. "Great game, 40,001 points to Patron Wizard and Squee."

"What about me?" Chimney Imp complains.

"I was going to give you 50,001 points, but since you complained, you get a 50,000 point deduction to that score." Eladamri replies. "Wanna question the host again?" Chimney Imp shifts uncomfortably.

"Anyways, that's the fic for tonight! Hope you had as good of a time as I hoped. See you next time!" Eladamri concludes.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own MtG or related titles and characters. Just this fic. And if there are any TV shows with any resemblance to this fic, I don't own that either.

**Whose Turn is it Anyway?**

"Hello and welcome to Whose Turn is it Anyway!" Eladamri begins. "We've got yet another great fic lined up for you tonight, so let's introduce tonight's contestants! Don't you wish we were older, it's Kamahl! Cat scratch fever, Mirri! The most unlucky goblin in the multiverse, Kiki-Jiki (Mirror-Breaker)! And the obligatory bashable character, Chimney Imp! Yay!"

"Obliga-what able?" Chimney Imp asks.

"If you've never read this fic before, these four randomly selected characters are going to play some games in vain attempts at being funny. At the end of each game, I award them points based on arbitrary decisions; the points don't really matter, it's just some more stupid humor. That's right, the points are just like Phage's IQ, they are completely unnecessary." Eladamri continues. "Our first game tonight is called 'Whose Turn?' - yes we have a game named after the show. This game is for Kiki-Jiki and Kamahl. They're going to act out a normal scene, except that they must use both lines on the papers I'm about to give them somewhere during the scene. The scene is that Kamahl's uber-ping ability was just redirected back to him, and he doesn't have much longer to live. Whenever you're ready, you may begin." Eladamri hands a piece of paper to each contestant.

"My goodness," Kamahl begins. "Is _that_ what I've been doing to creatures? I'm a monster!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Kiki-Jiki replies. "It's not like you've ever done to anyone who didn't deserve it. Besides, as our controller would say in this situation," Kiki-Jiki reads from the paper: "I am Iron Man!"

"That's all well and good, but how is that supposed to help me?" Kamahl inquired. "There's only a fireball that I caused flying towards me at slightly-less than instant speed. And despite it all, I can only think of the final words my father told me before he died:" Kamahl reads from his paper. "Take two and call me in the morning."

"You never did take your father's advice, did you?" Kiki-Jiki asks.

"I took the two," Kamahl admits. "But I never called him in the morning! If I only had had a quarter!"

"It'll be alright, man." Kiki-Jiki says. "As I always say:" he reads from his paper. "There's no place like home!"

"You're right." Kamahl says. "There _is _no place like home."

"Of course not," Kiki-Jiki replies.

"I haven't much longer before my own fireball incinerates me." Kamahl says. "Please, tell my wife:" he reads from his paper. "What do you do for money honey?"

"Y'know, I've always wondered that myself about your wife…" Kiki-Jiki says.

Eladamri presses the buzzer. "Nice job, 250 points to each of you. Next game is going to be 'Let's Make a Date!'. This game is for all four of you. Mirri, you're the guest on a dating show, and you have to ask the contestants questions and try to figure out their secret quirk or identity. And…go!"

"Oh I'm so excited!" Mirri begins. "I haven't had a date in years…well, bachelor number one…"

Kiki-Jiki (Dralnu in the middle of raising the dead): "What is it woman? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Make it quick!"

"Ooooh…you sound dangerous. If I were any other creature type, which would you like me to be?" Mirri asks.

"What kind of question is that, woman?" Kiki-Jiki replies. "Zombie, of course! Then I could raise and reraise you all night loooong!" Kiki-Jiki moves his arms up and down in front of him.

"Sounds fun. Bachelor number two, I like long walks on the Yavimaya Shores. What do you like to do in your spare time?" Mirri asks.

Chimney Imp (Gerrard, thinks he sees Volrath everywhere): "I like to kick evil people in the gonads! Especially if it's my jerk of a half-brother! Wait, is that him there?" Chimney Imp attacks one of the cameras. "Nope, not him…"

"You sound…easy." Mirri smirks. "Number three, if you were my controller, what would you have me do when I didn't have summoning sickness anymore?"

Kamahl (Crovax during his midlife crisis): "I'd send you to the Killing Fields, that's what I'd do! I've been needing to take more of a personal interest in my work. I mean, I've been a good dictator, right? I don't know, I just have this feeling I could've done so much more killing…"

"That's…nice. Bachelor number one, if I were favorite ice cream cone, what flavor would I be?" Mirri asks.

"Chocolate. It's the closest color to black." Kiki-Jiki replies. "Now cease pestering me woman!"

"Okay, fine. Jerk. Bachelor number two, if you could fight any villain in the Magic multiverse, who would it be?"

"VOOOOOOLRAAAAAAAATH!" Chimney Imp answers. He goes crazy and mockingly attacks Kamahl. "Not so big without your mask, huh? But wait! You're over there!" Chimney Imp mockingly attacks Eladamri, then pretends to have been stabbed in the heart. "Aaargh, I am defeated. I wish I didn't suck so much." He falls down.

Mirri raises an eyebrow. "Mmkay…bachelor number three, I want to avenge a family member's death before I die. What goals do you have before you die?"

"Before I die," Kamahl responds, "I want to achieve immortality! Maybe then my pathetic rule will have some meaning and my subjects will remember me! Wait…I've got it! I'll slaughter them all! _Then_ they'll remember me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Looks like you've got your work cut out for you. Can you guess who they are?" Eladamri asks Mirri.

"Bachelor number one is…a necromancer trying to raise the dead?" Mirri guesses.

"Close enough, he's supposed to be Dralnu!" Eladamri answers.

"Number two is Gerrard, I know that much…and he's bent on killing Volrath." Mirri says.

"Close, he sees Volrath everywhere." Eladamri replies.

"Fine. Number three was hard…he's an evil dictator in his midlife crisis?" Mirri guesses.

"Which one?" Eladamri asks.

"Probably Volrath or Crovax…" Mirri says.

"Crovax! That's right!" Eladamri congratulates her. "Good game guys, 11,253 points to each of you. Our next game is called ninety-second alphabet. This game is for everyone but Kiki-Jiki. The contestants are going to act out a scene, but every line has to begin with the next letter in the alphabet. The starting letter will be K, and the scene is Chimney Imp walking in on his controller, Kamahl, summoning another creature - Mirri. And…go!"

"Krovak's Torch, it was a long day at the office today, and…what the heck is this?" Chimney Imp pretends to put his coat on a hanger.

"Luckily, this isn't what you think it is." Mirri says, acting coy.

"Mageta be praised! With you back, I won't have to settle for summoning her!" Kamahl says innocently.

"Not to contradict you, but you've already summoned me…" Mirri says.

"Obviously I settled for you only because he wasn't around," Kamahl says, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Pardon me, but still, WHAT THE HECK?" Chimney Imp whines.

"Quiet! Can you hear the rats in the attic? They're quite annoying." Kamahl says randomly.

"Rats? That's not good," Mirri says, following Kamahl's lead.

"Shush! I don't hear any rats!" Chimney Imp adds.

"That's only because you suck." Mirri smirks.

"Untimely demise, you're going to get yours now!" Chimney Imp scolds.

"Very mature you two…now I don't know why I ever summoned either of you!" Kamahl notes.

"Why would you summon someone who sucks so much, anyway?" Mirri laughs and points at Chimney Imp.

"Xanthic Statue! That's the artifact I was thinking of when I summoned Mirri!" Kamahl shouts.

"You were thinking of a statue when you summoned me?" Mirri glares at Kamahl.

"Zounds! Would you two stay on topic here? I thought you enjoyed summoning me!" Chimney Imp interrupts.

"Actually…" Kamahl starts.

"Before you even try defending that master of sucking…" Mirri interrupts.

"Cripes, Mirri! At least I didn't die for a human!" Chimney Imp responds.

"Duh! Only because no human likes you!" Mirri replies.

"Everyone just shut up already!" Kamahl yells.

"Fudge! Now you've annoyed my controller!" Mirri comments to Chimney Imp.

"Gerrard was your controller too, and look how that turned out!" Chimney Imp responds.

"How can I express that I like summoning both of you?" Kamahl asks, desperately seeking a response.

"Interesting thought, summoning both of us," Mirri seems intrigued by the idea.

"Just so long if you've got the mana, that's fine with me!" Chimney Imp agrees.

"Kill me now…I wish I did!" Kamahl says. The other two proceed to mockingly beat him up.

Eladamri presses the buzzer and says, "Two hundred points to each of you! That's all the fic I have patience for tonight, so I'll see you next time!"


End file.
